Holiday Obligation vs. Choice

A client made an apt alteration to Thoreau's infamous quote this week by reflecting on how many people seem to"lead lives of quiet obligation".

Holidays with their traditions, "shoulds", and "suppose tos" can be particularly laden with this form of 'duty'. 

 

Give yourself permission to ask, "What do I really want to do?"  "And who do I want to spend it with?"  And importantly, "What is the cost of - (fill in the blank) - that visit, that interaction, that have-to?" 

 

Ask yourself, if the holidays were going to be a real reflection of "celebration" as defined by you, what would this look like?  How closely does this match up with how you will be actually spending your time?  It is your vacation, your holiday afterall.

 

If there are incongruencies, what is getting in the way of creating the very situation that you want?  Guilt? Fear of the repercussions for 'breaking rank' with family members?  Relunctance to say 'no' ?  Again, what is the cost of not clearly choosing?

 

This heightened holiday time, often seeped in extended family and expectations, might be enjoyable, stressful or both.  The question is, are you making choices or are you just following a well-paved path of obligation.

 

Relationship as a spiritual practice

The work of relationship is the work towards being in the present moment.  This is in sharp contrast to reactions that we bring from the past that then contaminate the now.   When we haven't done the work to clean up past hurts, unresolved arguments, old traumas and wounds from our original families, negative associations with intimacy... then these pains and rages inevitably show up and get triggered by current circumstances.  All of this removes us from the present.  Instead we find ourselves reacting to the past and attempting to avoid or alter an imagined future.

 

The renowned Buddhist master, Thich Nhat Hanh, states:  "Our true home is in the present moment.  To live in the present moment is a miracle."

 

Working on the very stuff that relationships evoke, can clear away the detritus and allow us to genuinely be in the now.  This is where true compassion resides. 

 

Therefore treat your relationship as nothing less than a spiritual practice. 

Insight vs. Action

Insight regarding our behaviors and responses in the world is certainly important, but it is the actions that change our lives.  Insight without behavioral change is like expecting music theory to substitute for actually learning to play an instrument.  It is the action that creates the music. 

 

Sometimes, insight can become its own form of resistance.  It can be a way to write off the responsibility to respond differently in relationship.  "See this is just how I am; you can't expect me to change."  In fact, often, the behavior has to happen first in order to set in motion a new way of interacting.  Deeper understanding can then follow.  Insight alone is never enough.

 

 

Choose the hard right over the easy wrong

A dear friend of mine just shared this quote which was born out of a difficult, current life choice she is facing.  I share it here for the simple truth that it offers us all.  How often do you choose the easy way rather than the hard?  Are you aware of the presence of these choices?  How often do you find that fear impacts your choice?  The fear of conflict, the fear of possible rejection or disapproval, the fear of taking a risk into the unknown, the fear of uncomfortable feelings - do these fears take presidence?   Do you tend to take the "easy" way, opting for the path of least resistance even when you know that it isn't the clear, healthy choice?   Right action is the action that propels us towards freedom, towards conscious living.  Often this choice requires facing fear.  The problem is that the "hard right" can, like this phrase, feel dramatically like a 90 degree turn or even a 180.  But consider what becomes possible when we challenge ourselves to choose this path over the temporary "fix".  We grow rather than stagnate. 

 

Relationally, examples can involve taking the risk to directly state a need or risk conflict by bringing up a difficult issue or share more deeply than is comfortable.  Sometimes this can entail ending a relationship or committing more fully to one.  Wherever you hit this fork, be conscious of it, for there is always a choice and the choice between the hard right and the easy wrong is yours.

 

Conflict is inevitable, it's what we do with it that gives it the power to transform or destroy

Relationships inevitably experience conflict.  Two people bring inherent differences which can make bridging the space between challenging.  Conflict can become a deal breaker for relationships.  But conflict, when addressed openly, directly, responsibly can create a new depth of understanding, a new emphathy for seeing the world through other eyes.  It can be a catalyst for discovering a new layer of intimacy.   In other words, it is not the conflict itself that is the problem, it is how we respond to it. 

 

What is your association with conflict?  Do you see it as a bad thing, an event to be avoided at all costs?  Do you use it as an outlet when stress and tension have peaked?  Does it operate to create distance with your partner?  Is it the result of silencing your own voice over time? 

 

It can help to review how conflict was expressed in your original family.  How much tolerance was there for everyone having and expressing their feelings?  Did disagreements get swept under the carpet or did they escalate into violence?  Like it or not, how we were exposed to conflict and what we learned as a result is what we bring to our adult relationships.  It takes intention, self'-observation and interruption of old patterns to establish a new way of working with and through conflict.  This becomes the difference between an ongoing erosion of a relationship or the strengthening of the banks. 

What is an authentic response?

We are all caught up in the web of the past unless we do the hard work of untangling ourselves.  It requires a high level of developing consciousness to clear away past conditioning, old patterns of responding, and the inaccurate stories that we have used to make sense of the world then.  Without a great deal of examination, we bring forward these past reflexive reactions into our current relationships with others.  This becomes especially the case in our most initimate relationships. 

 

To not have our responses dictated by the past is to be free to respond creatively in the present moment.  This is the truly authentic response.

Relationships as our spiritual practice

This is a Buddhist story that a friend shared with me this past week. 

 

There was a man who came to a temple in search of enlightenment.  He wanted to work with a teacher who could help him along this sacred path.  He was told that the teacher would become available to him, but first he needed to meditate.  After a few weeks, he asked if he could now see the teacher.   He was told that he needed to continue with his meditation practice and the teacher would become available.  Two more weeks passed and with mounting exasperation, he again requested to meet with a teacher.  They then walked him to the gates of the temple and said, "here are your teachers".  

 

Before the entrance stood his wife and children. 

 

Relationships provide us with the opportunity to heal.  They are the very catalyst for transformation. The work of integrating this truth is indeed a spiritual practice.

Wherein lies the resistance to giving?

First, what does it mean to truly give.

 

We usually think of giving in the sense of gifts and positive regard, but it is much deeper than this.  Giving is about offering one's most transparent self to another.  It is about being fully present in the sharing of oneself while simitaneously empathizing with the needs, feelings, experiences of another.  It is a committment to this intention in every moment of the relationship.

 

This means that giving in a real relationship might also take the form of saying "No".  It could be the honesty you bring forth by telling your partner that you are not able to give at this time.  In another sense, it can even mean the willingness to end a relationship. 

 

Unconditional giving also requires non-attachment to a particular outcome.  For instance, if we expect our partners to respond to us in a certain way or if we need to be heard or appreciated in a particular moment, then it isn't really a gift. 

 

So what is the resistance to giving?  In other words, where and why do we withhold love?  Is it that you have been hurt over and over again and want to protect yourself from further exposure?  Is it that so much resentment has accumulated that you are more interested in punishing than giving?  By the way, these are the same states.  Can you see that nothing justifies the withholding of love and no healing can ever occur without vulnerability.  Ask yourself, wherein lies the resistance to giving?

How discomfort can turn into destruction.

What do YOU do with uncomfortable emotions?

Usually fear, anxiety, anger, shame top the list of what’s “uncomfortable”, hence what’s considered “unacceptable”. The problem is if we aren’t willing to recognize and ‘own’ these feelings, whatever they are, wherever they come from, then they will become destructive. This most often takes the form of self-blame or other-blame.

In other words, negatively judging one's self at the core or blaming another (often a significant other) are the usual means to avoid or distract from difficult emotions.

The visual metaphor of the week is from a client who demonstrated this dynamic - and its solution. The two sides of a slippery slope he represented by using two hands pointing upward at peaked fingers like a mountain. The backs of the hands are finding fault in one’s self or finding blame in someone else.

Do you tend to slip down one side of this blame mountain more than the other? A deeper understanding and healing can only occur if you are able to sit on the very precipice with your feelings.

With fingers pointed, this is a precariously tippy place, easy to fall off in either direction, whereas if the apex is leveled out – resolved visually by bending the first set of finger joints – then there is a place stop and be present with these uncomfortable feelings rather than act them out destructively.

The work of relationship requires us to carefully observe in just this way. For to act out blame either through blanket self-blame or accusatory other-blame, is to NOT be in relationship. Neither of these positions is the truth, neither stance is about real accountability.

Avoidance of reality is never about love.

The first step towards peace is to observe one's own role in the war.

Point not to what your partner does to “cause” the relational conflict, rather ask, “What is it that I am responsible for?” “How do my motives, actions or lack of action perpetuate the disconnect with my partner?” After all, it only takes one person to respond in a different, non-habitual way for the dynamic to change, for the interaction to be altered. Relationships are always a 50/50 proposition. You are only in control of your 50%, but you are 100% responsible for this.

Uncovering real love begins with an exploration of hate.

In other words, we must be willing to look at the ways in which we cause our partners pain. No one wants to see how they are aggressive towards their loved one, even at the expense of knowing real love. I strongly resisted the truth about my manipulative behavior, but I absolutely wanted to have it my way, wanted to control outcomes. I wasn’t interested in being in partnership when it came to making decisions; I secretly (or not so) thought I was superior to him; I was just fine with getting my needs met elsewhere. I wasn’t willing to prioritize the relationship over and above what I wanted. All these and many more were the ways that I was acting violently in the marriage. I use ‘violent’, because it is the opposite of loving actions, because the consequence is pain, because anything less than this truth serves to justify, rationalize, and minimize the impact on another human being.

Being open to seeing the ways we express hatred towards our partners makes all the difference in discovering love.

From the beginning...

We heal in relationship. My life and work have been and continue to be transformed by this very truth. Hence, “2 to Heal”.

Attempting to describe what it means to be fully “in relationship” and what the journey towards “healing” requires of us is the goal of this site.

I have been a psychotherapist for twenty five years, but it wasn’t until I addressed the culminating crisis in my own marriage fifteen years ago, that I began to learn what it really means to be in relationship. The process by which my husband and I worked to transform our own relationship (with the aid of the sage therapist, Gary Sall) now informs who I am as a therapist, how I work with couples, and, very importantly, how I live my life. For you see, nothing less than complete integration will ever be enough. But I get ahead of myself.