We are the violence in the world

The violence that we condemn in the external world exists within us.  We, each of us, are the violence in the world.  If we deny this, if we push away the truth of this, then we are invariably perpetuating it.  We must be actively struggling towards this realization for this is the necessary start and the only opportunity to exact real change. Herein lies the crucial importance of reflecting deeply on every thought and action.  Anything less than a dedicated committment to this is not taking full responsibility for contributing to the violence upon others.

 

You say you are not violent, look again.  Wherever there is a lack of honesty, a withholding, a refusal to give, a relunctance to set a clear boundary, an attachment to having it your way, a wanting something from someone that is based on past needs...These are the conscious or unconscious acts of violence in relationship.

 

If we want real peace in our lives and in the world at large, then we have to be committed to ending the violence within ourselves that we otherwise inevitably act out onto others.  This difficult process begins with deep, unremittting self-reflection.  It is motivated by seeing the harm caused.  It is our calling as human beings.

 

 

Rights and responsibilities

Many of us growing up were not given the message that we had a right to feel our feelings - especially those emotions that caused discomfort in the caregivers around us.  As a result, the message that becomes internalized is that feelings are unsafe, not acceptable, to be denied in order to feel lovable.  As human beings, we have a right to our full human experience much of which includes the complexity of our emotional landscape.  It is tragic when anything less than this truth is conveyed.

 

What is simitaneously true is that what we do with our feelings now, as adults, is our responsibility.  Just because we have strong emotions - perhaps a notable proportion of which are accumulated from the past - does not justify acting out from them in hurtful ways towards others.  This tendency to throw them  onto others so as to stave off ones own discomfort is nothing less than aggressive.  This can take the form of criticising, blaming, demanding, withdrawing, manipulating, expecting, punishing...Taking repsonsibility to not act out in this manner requires acknowledging ones emotions directly - and without conditions. Irregardless of the anticipated fallout, the fear of conflict, the discomfort of vulnerability, it is our responsibility to own our feelings outloud in relationship. 

 

We have a right to our feelings and a responsibility for our actions.

Following Through With Agreements

No matter how seemingly small or trivial, the lack of follow through is one of the more destructive dynamics in an on-ongoing relationship.  Whether you agreed to pick up the kids at 4:00, walk the dog before work, pick up a cluttered area in the house, return a phone call or show up at a designated time, these are sacred agreements and deserve to be treated as such. 

 

Sacred?, you say, is it really that important in the scope of things?  In actuality, it constitutes the very fabric of relationship for it is all about trust and reliability.  By not following through, one becomes untrustworthy in the eyes of the partner.  There are many dire consequences for the relationship when this becomes a pattern over time. 

 

One of the ways agreements break down often happens early in the process.  For instance when one person does not know or fully understand what they are agreeing to.  Sometimes a "yes" is given just to placate, or to not have to think about the logistics involved, or to prevent potential conflict.  The other person can also be equally complicit in this lack of clarity perhaps by accepting a half-hearted "yes" or not clearly expressing their expectations or even by setting up the partner for already anticipated failure.

 

Spend whatever the upfront time it takes to get clear.  Assess accurately the time required and your motivation to fulfill this request.  Be willing to say "no" if you are not able to commit to the follow through.  If you agree, make sure that the timeframe for completion is part of the understanding.  Once agreed upon, consider this sacred between you. 

 

If you find that you need to change this agreement, then you must bring it up accordingly.  Remember, you are changing a sacred agreement that now needs to be thoroughly readdressed.  If you break the agreement, then take full responsibility for your lack of follow through.  This is your partner afterall and the message you gave by not following through is that he/she does not matter to you, is not worthy of your respect, and that you are not interested in working as a team.

 

Do you still think that it is only about not walking the dog?

 

 

 

What is true compassion?

Compassion is usually associated with making someone feel better, helping them to stop hurting, empathizing with their feelings in a gentle way.   I would argue that this is not true compassion if it comes at the cost of the truth.  In fact, people can use this familiar definition as a reason to withhold the truth.  "I didn't want to tell him that because he'd had a bad day."  "I didn't want to hurt her feelings."  "I didn't want to bring it up then because it felt like I was being mean, like I was 'kicking the puppy'."

 

True compassion always points towards the truth rather than being motivated by not "hurting" someone's feelings. 

 

As a new therapist, now nearly thirty years ago, I was taught to "reframe" and "support" clients in whatever ways they presented and wherever they were in their lives.  Much of this early training was, in retrospect, about enabling the client to feel better about their situation rather than directly challenge the ways that they were stuck.  More often than not, this conveys the message that the client is a victim of circumstances rather than an active creator of their problems.

 

Now when I call out a client's behavior as, for example, manipulative, I do so from the most compassionate place. There are strong attachments to how we want to be perceived by the world and how we want to see ourselves in it.  This makes it enormously difficult to be open to seeing the aspects of ourselves that we don't want to admit exist.  However, it is this very reflection of truth that creates the opportunity for growth.  If I am not bringing these discrepancies to light, I am not being committed to their transformative process. 

 

There is no compassion in allowing people to hold to their own distortions or 'protecting' them from reality.  The real compassion lies in offering the truth, for the truth is the only place from which real change can occur. 

 

What is a true apology?

The willingness to genuinely apologize is a key ingredient in any relationship, for we are all fallible, all human, all a work in progress.  To recognize the pain one has caused in another - even unintentionally - is at the heart of a thoughtful apology. 

 

But what does it mean to offer a full apology and why can this be so hard to do?  First, let's consider what doesn't constitute an apology.  A real apology isn't just a generic, "I'm sorry", for this doesn't convey a clear understanding of the particular hurt caused in that situation.  And a genuine apology is not motivated out of just wanting to have it be over with.  "I said I am sorry already, can't we just move on from this."  Being tired of talking about it, wanting your partner to be OK with you again, desiring a change in subject or home climate are not good enough reasons.  This kind of placating doesn't lend itself to real resolution and it will feel unsatisfying to your partner.   

 

A true apology demonstates an awareness of the pain that your actions have caused.  There is a stated understanding as to why it happened or at least a committment to getting to the bottom of it within yourself.  Expanding out of this comes reassurance that you will attempt to prevent it from reoccurring.  Being able to offer this to your partner not only can help them feel heard, but also communicates to them that you are serious about taking steps to minimize future negative impact on your relationship. 

 

Why are such apologies hard to give?  Because it requires that you own your own part of the argument or conflict.  It requires a letting go of being "right" or justifying your actions because of how you yourself might have felt 'wronged'.  Inherently it is a vulnerable position and as such is uncomfortable.  But all this resistance gets in the way of more meaningful relating.  By apologizing, you are taking responsibility for your own actions - independent of your partner's - which contributes to the deepening level of trust in your relationship.

 

Apologies are important whether for 'small' issues or more complicated, hurtful ones.  However, they are only as effective as the receiver experiences them.  If the apology doesn't come across to your partner as complete and genuine, then be willing to stay with the ongoing dialogue, learn from your partner and in this respect, learn also about yourself.

Why relationships?

This week, a client asked point blank, "why be in a relationship at all?"

 

It's an excellent question given that relationships, at times, bring out the very worst in us.  It isn't the storytale 'happily ever after' our culture seems to promise.  The reality is that it requires persistent effort - to resolve inevitable differences, to attempt to communicate clearly, to make life decisions with another, to process through one's back baggage....  So why bother?

 

Because relationships offer the opportunity to heal - ourselves and the world.  To grow as a human being, to transform old hurts, to free up one's innate capacity to love fully, to be present in each moment - this is our human destiny.  All that bubbles up in relationships becomes the very catalyst for our growth.  Even more expansively, if one is truly interested in creating peace in the world, then we have to understand our own inner anger, hurts, aggression and violence.  Committment to this exploration, to developing this consciousness, begins in one's own intimate relationship.  Our transformative process then contributes to the changes we so desperately need in humanity at large.  It all begins at home. 

Death and Intimacy

This past week I had a profoundly intense experience involving the death of a dear friend.  Amidst a whole myriad of emotions, I am struck by the similarities between what death and intimate relationships ask of us. In both situations we are called to step forward in the face of terrifying uncertainty.  Embedded in both circumstances is the opportunity to move more fully into relationship - or choose to hold back.

 

How we meet death, our own or someone close to us, illuminates something about how we tend to meet close relationships.  How we live our lives informs how we relate to death.  Love is about meeting these threshold relationships - whether death or an intimate partner - with our full self, our presence, our honesty, our vulnerability, our entire range of emotions, our authentic response.  This requires nothing less than a fierce courageousness that we may not even be aware exists within us until these catalyst moments elicit it. 

 

This week I found that paradoxically, as I mustered up the courage to move towards death, to be open to learning from it, to literally be hands-on, I found that I felt more alive, more affirming of life, less fearful of the inevitability of loss. 

 

The real question becomes, are we moving towards this experience or away from it?  Are we opening or closing to what is being offered?