What do YOU do with uncomfortable emotions?
Usually fear, anxiety, anger, shame top the list of what’s “uncomfortable”, hence what’s considered “unacceptable”. The problem is if we aren’t willing to recognize and ‘own’ these feelings, whatever they are, wherever they come from, then they will become destructive. This most often takes the form of self-blame or other-blame.
In other words, negatively judging one's self at the core or blaming another (often a significant other) are the usual means to avoid or distract from difficult emotions.
The visual metaphor of the week is from a client who demonstrated this dynamic - and its solution. The two sides of a slippery slope he represented by using two hands pointing upward at peaked fingers like a mountain. The backs of the hands are finding fault in one’s self or finding blame in someone else.
Do you tend to slip down one side of this blame mountain more than the other? A deeper understanding and healing can only occur if you are able to sit on the very precipice with your feelings.
With fingers pointed, this is a precariously tippy place, easy to fall off in either direction, whereas if the apex is leveled out – resolved visually by bending the first set of finger joints – then there is a place stop and be present with these uncomfortable feelings rather than act them out destructively.
The work of relationship requires us to carefully observe in just this way. For to act out blame either through blanket self-blame or accusatory other-blame, is to NOT be in relationship. Neither of these positions is the truth, neither stance is about real accountability.
Avoidance of reality is never about love.
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