In other words, we must be willing to look at the ways in which we cause our partners pain. No one wants to see how they are aggressive towards their loved one, even at the expense of knowing real love. I strongly resisted the truth about my manipulative behavior, but I absolutely wanted to have it my way, wanted to control outcomes. I wasn’t interested in being in partnership when it came to making decisions; I secretly (or not so) thought I was superior to him; I was just fine with getting my needs met elsewhere. I wasn’t willing to prioritize the relationship over and above what I wanted. All these and many more were the ways that I was acting violently in the marriage. I use ‘violent’, because it is the opposite of loving actions, because the consequence is pain, because anything less than this truth serves to justify, rationalize, and minimize the impact on another human being.
Being open to seeing the ways we express hatred towards our partners makes all the difference in discovering love.
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