What is a true apology?

The willingness to genuinely apologize is a key ingredient in any relationship, for we are all fallible, all human, all a work in progress.  To recognize the pain one has caused in another - even unintentionally - is at the heart of a thoughtful apology. 

 

But what does it mean to offer a full apology and why can this be so hard to do?  First, let's consider what doesn't constitute an apology.  A real apology isn't just a generic, "I'm sorry", for this doesn't convey a clear understanding of the particular hurt caused in that situation.  And a genuine apology is not motivated out of just wanting to have it be over with.  "I said I am sorry already, can't we just move on from this."  Being tired of talking about it, wanting your partner to be OK with you again, desiring a change in subject or home climate are not good enough reasons.  This kind of placating doesn't lend itself to real resolution and it will feel unsatisfying to your partner.   

 

A true apology demonstates an awareness of the pain that your actions have caused.  There is a stated understanding as to why it happened or at least a committment to getting to the bottom of it within yourself.  Expanding out of this comes reassurance that you will attempt to prevent it from reoccurring.  Being able to offer this to your partner not only can help them feel heard, but also communicates to them that you are serious about taking steps to minimize future negative impact on your relationship. 

 

Why are such apologies hard to give?  Because it requires that you own your own part of the argument or conflict.  It requires a letting go of being "right" or justifying your actions because of how you yourself might have felt 'wronged'.  Inherently it is a vulnerable position and as such is uncomfortable.  But all this resistance gets in the way of more meaningful relating.  By apologizing, you are taking responsibility for your own actions - independent of your partner's - which contributes to the deepening level of trust in your relationship.

 

Apologies are important whether for 'small' issues or more complicated, hurtful ones.  However, they are only as effective as the receiver experiences them.  If the apology doesn't come across to your partner as complete and genuine, then be willing to stay with the ongoing dialogue, learn from your partner and in this respect, learn also about yourself.

Why relationships?

This week, a client asked point blank, "why be in a relationship at all?"

 

It's an excellent question given that relationships, at times, bring out the very worst in us.  It isn't the storytale 'happily ever after' our culture seems to promise.  The reality is that it requires persistent effort - to resolve inevitable differences, to attempt to communicate clearly, to make life decisions with another, to process through one's back baggage....  So why bother?

 

Because relationships offer the opportunity to heal - ourselves and the world.  To grow as a human being, to transform old hurts, to free up one's innate capacity to love fully, to be present in each moment - this is our human destiny.  All that bubbles up in relationships becomes the very catalyst for our growth.  Even more expansively, if one is truly interested in creating peace in the world, then we have to understand our own inner anger, hurts, aggression and violence.  Committment to this exploration, to developing this consciousness, begins in one's own intimate relationship.  Our transformative process then contributes to the changes we so desperately need in humanity at large.  It all begins at home. 

Death and Intimacy

This past week I had a profoundly intense experience involving the death of a dear friend.  Amidst a whole myriad of emotions, I am struck by the similarities between what death and intimate relationships ask of us. In both situations we are called to step forward in the face of terrifying uncertainty.  Embedded in both circumstances is the opportunity to move more fully into relationship - or choose to hold back.

 

How we meet death, our own or someone close to us, illuminates something about how we tend to meet close relationships.  How we live our lives informs how we relate to death.  Love is about meeting these threshold relationships - whether death or an intimate partner - with our full self, our presence, our honesty, our vulnerability, our entire range of emotions, our authentic response.  This requires nothing less than a fierce courageousness that we may not even be aware exists within us until these catalyst moments elicit it. 

 

This week I found that paradoxically, as I mustered up the courage to move towards death, to be open to learning from it, to literally be hands-on, I found that I felt more alive, more affirming of life, less fearful of the inevitability of loss. 

 

The real question becomes, are we moving towards this experience or away from it?  Are we opening or closing to what is being offered?

 

 

Holiday Obligation vs. Choice

A client made an apt alteration to Thoreau's infamous quote this week by reflecting on how many people seem to"lead lives of quiet obligation".

Holidays with their traditions, "shoulds", and "suppose tos" can be particularly laden with this form of 'duty'. 

 

Give yourself permission to ask, "What do I really want to do?"  "And who do I want to spend it with?"  And importantly, "What is the cost of - (fill in the blank) - that visit, that interaction, that have-to?" 

 

Ask yourself, if the holidays were going to be a real reflection of "celebration" as defined by you, what would this look like?  How closely does this match up with how you will be actually spending your time?  It is your vacation, your holiday afterall.

 

If there are incongruencies, what is getting in the way of creating the very situation that you want?  Guilt? Fear of the repercussions for 'breaking rank' with family members?  Relunctance to say 'no' ?  Again, what is the cost of not clearly choosing?

 

This heightened holiday time, often seeped in extended family and expectations, might be enjoyable, stressful or both.  The question is, are you making choices or are you just following a well-paved path of obligation.

 

Relationship as a spiritual practice

The work of relationship is the work towards being in the present moment.  This is in sharp contrast to reactions that we bring from the past that then contaminate the now.   When we haven't done the work to clean up past hurts, unresolved arguments, old traumas and wounds from our original families, negative associations with intimacy... then these pains and rages inevitably show up and get triggered by current circumstances.  All of this removes us from the present.  Instead we find ourselves reacting to the past and attempting to avoid or alter an imagined future.

 

The renowned Buddhist master, Thich Nhat Hanh, states:  "Our true home is in the present moment.  To live in the present moment is a miracle."

 

Working on the very stuff that relationships evoke, can clear away the detritus and allow us to genuinely be in the now.  This is where true compassion resides. 

 

Therefore treat your relationship as nothing less than a spiritual practice. 

Insight vs. Action

Insight regarding our behaviors and responses in the world is certainly important, but it is the actions that change our lives.  Insight without behavioral change is like expecting music theory to substitute for actually learning to play an instrument.  It is the action that creates the music. 

 

Sometimes, insight can become its own form of resistance.  It can be a way to write off the responsibility to respond differently in relationship.  "See this is just how I am; you can't expect me to change."  In fact, often, the behavior has to happen first in order to set in motion a new way of interacting.  Deeper understanding can then follow.  Insight alone is never enough.

 

 

Choose the hard right over the easy wrong

A dear friend of mine just shared this quote which was born out of a difficult, current life choice she is facing.  I share it here for the simple truth that it offers us all.  How often do you choose the easy way rather than the hard?  Are you aware of the presence of these choices?  How often do you find that fear impacts your choice?  The fear of conflict, the fear of possible rejection or disapproval, the fear of taking a risk into the unknown, the fear of uncomfortable feelings - do these fears take presidence?   Do you tend to take the "easy" way, opting for the path of least resistance even when you know that it isn't the clear, healthy choice?   Right action is the action that propels us towards freedom, towards conscious living.  Often this choice requires facing fear.  The problem is that the "hard right" can, like this phrase, feel dramatically like a 90 degree turn or even a 180.  But consider what becomes possible when we challenge ourselves to choose this path over the temporary "fix".  We grow rather than stagnate. 

 

Relationally, examples can involve taking the risk to directly state a need or risk conflict by bringing up a difficult issue or share more deeply than is comfortable.  Sometimes this can entail ending a relationship or committing more fully to one.  Wherever you hit this fork, be conscious of it, for there is always a choice and the choice between the hard right and the easy wrong is yours.