Marriage isn't football or a courtroom, there is no place for a good defense. What are your typical reactions to being called on something that you have done - or failed to do? These are some of the more common defensive bylines, but this clearly doesn't represent an exhaustive list. It's only exhaustive for those on the receiving end. Over time these reactive responses can kill a marriage by a thousand paper cuts.
I didn't agree to that....
Is this because both parties didn't actually specify, in clear terms, the agreement or is this an attempt to abdicate responsibility now that the breach is exposed?
Well, you do X......
This deflects responsibility by bringing in a "tit for tat" defense. Essentially, you want a "pass" because you have given "passes" to your partner. There is a proposed bargain, "I have let you off the responsibility hook before and I expect you to do the same for me now". This serves to deflect the issue at hand. It may well be a legitimate concern from the past, but it should have been addressed separately then, not as a counter argument now.
Next time, I will......
Promising to act differently next time before a full appreciation is understood and a heartfelt apology is given, uses the future as a way of brushing off the present. This is the classic "empty promise".
You're just too sensitive...
This argument uses a personal character attack to dismiss the injured partner's experience. The message here is 'your emotional response is wrong', 'you are the real problem here, not me'.
You are always critical of me.....
A variation on the above with the added twist of victimization thrown in for extra effect. The message is, 'I am the mistreated one here, not you'.
I said I was sorry, what more do you want from me.....
This is aggressive placating in an attempt to shut the other person down. It is a demand to get over it and move on without any real resolution.
I don't know what you are talking about......I don't remember saying that....
This is the ultimate in disrespecting the other and slamming closed the door of discussion.
Do you recognize your own defensive arguments in any of these statements? Can you begin to wonder what this must feel like for the person receiving these messages? A response that is in relationship with your partner inevitably reflects a full understanding of the situation, one's actions, and the pain caused. Short of this thorough, genuine reflection, no resolution is possible. The conflict will inevitably return.
