Compromise is NOT a solution.

I have an issue with "compromise" when used in the context of primary relationships.  Why, you ask, isn't it healthy to be able to find a compromise with your partner when it comes to decision-making?  Isn't this the goal?  Only if you want to have a compromised relationship.

 

Compromise implies a giving in, a giving up.  Each party settles for a partial loss that seems like the best agreed upon lesser alternative.  There is an implied dissatisfaction with the outcome.  Inherent in this process of compromise is the potential either for resentment or score-keeping.  By this I mean that it is likely to come back up in the form of, "last time I didn't really get what I wanted, now I should get x, because you got y the time before."   There is a lingering sense that the other person got a better deal and both can hold this view simitaneously!

 

Compromise can also be instituted as a way to avoid having to work through each decision as it comes up.  A common example of this is often illustrated in how couple's 'compromise' about holidays with one solution.  A couple might decide to spend every other X-mas with alternating sets of parents. This is a common form of compromise that potentially breeds not only a rigidity, but also an inherent resentment.  It doesn't allow room to make other choices in a given year that might make more sense for their circumstance, because someone feels 'owed". 

 

In contrast, a real resolution isn't about finding a compromise, it is an orientation towards discovering the best solution for the situation and the relationship.  This involves a full process of exploration, dialogue and self-discovery.   Both people are willing to look at their own attachments, their feelings, the consequences of possible decisions.  Both feel they have an equal voice.  They are committed to fully participating in the process until they reach a clear deicision, not just driven by a desire to rush to a quick solution in order to be done with it or avoid conflict.  In this way there is joint ownership of the outcome.  And the process itself elicits a relaxed closeness, a sense of teamwork and confidence in what can be understood and accomplished while working together.  The process even if difficult, when worked through, serves to strengthen the intimacy between them. 

 

Compromise leaves a deficit.  A real solution leaves a surplus.