2 To Heal

Cloak and Dagger

2012-01-16T22:16:00.001-08:00

I would venture to say that most marriages operate by the "cloak and dagger" method. What I mean by this is that one's honest feelings, thoughts, motivations are more often than not "cloaked' from the partner. There can be many justifications assigned to this withholding behavior. Not wanting to 'hurt' the other's feelings, fearing their reaction, convincing oneself that it is no big deal, prejudging one's own feelings... are but a few of the ways to convince oneself to hide from the relationship. And all these "reasons" are no more than elaborate justifications to not be honest, vulnerable or take responsibility for the truth. This very "cloaking" then sets up the resultant "dagger". This may eventually come in the form of simmering resentment over time, or further withdrawal, or explosive anger, or a mutitude of other behaviors that act out whatever hasn't been said directly.

Thus to "cloak" one's truth from ones partner makes one accountable for setting up the "dagger". The stab back is just waiting to happen. There is inherent and inevitable violence in the withholding. And the payoff for this? to maintain control, uphold an image of oneself held dear, to bolster a superior position, to avoid vulnerability... Remember that the "cloak" serves a selfish purpose. Best to delve into this before the "dagger" is already in hand.

How do you "cloak"? How do you then use the "dagger" against your loved ones?

We are the violence in the world

2011-10-23T15:01:00.001-07:00

The violence that we condemn in the external world exists within us. We, each of us, are the violence in the world. If we deny this, if we push away the truth of this, then we are invariably perpetuating it. We must be actively struggling towards this realization for this is the necessary start and the only opportunity to exact real change. Herein lies the crucial importance of reflecting deeply on every thought and action. Anything less than a dedicated committment to this is not taking full responsibility for contributing to the violence upon others.

You say you are not violent, look again. Wherever there is a lack of honesty, a withholding, a refusal to give, a relunctance to set a clear boundary, an attachment to having it your way, a wanting something from someone that is based on past needs...These are the conscious or unconscious acts of violence in relationship.

If we want real peace in our lives and in the world at large, then we have to be committed to ending the violence within ourselves that we otherwise inevitably act out onto others. This difficult process begins with deep, unremittting self-reflection. It is motivated by seeing the harm caused. It is our calling as human beings.

Rights and responsibilities

2011-07-17T11:22:00.001-07:00

Many of us growing up were not given the message that we had a right to feel our feelings - especially those emotions that caused discomfort in the caregivers around us. As a result, the message that becomes internalized is that feelings are unsafe, not acceptable, to be denied in order to feel lovable. As human beings, we have a right to our full human experience much of which includes the complexity of our emotional landscape. It is tragic when anything less than this truth is conveyed.

What is simitaneously true is that what we do with our feelings now, as adults, is our responsibility. Just because we have strong emotions - perhaps a notable proportion of which are accumulated from the past - does not justify acting out from them in hurtful ways towards others. This tendency to throw them onto others so as to stave off ones own discomfort is nothing less than aggressive. This can take the form of criticising, blaming, demanding, withdrawing, manipulating, expecting, punishing...Taking repsonsibility to not act out in this manner requires acknowledging ones emotions directly - and without conditions. Irregardless of the anticipated fallout, the fear of conflict, the discomfort of vulnerability, it is our responsibility to own our feelings outloud in relationship.

We have a right to our feelings and a responsibility for our actions.

Following Through With Agreements

2011-06-13T17:59:00.001-07:00

No matter how seemingly small or trivial, the lack of follow through is one of the more destructive dynamics in an on-ongoing relationship. Whether you agreed to pick up the kids at 4:00, walk the dog before work, pick up a cluttered area in the house, return a phone call or show up at a designated time, these are sacred agreements and deserve to be treated as such.

Sacred?, you say, is it really that important in the scope of things? In actuality, it constitutes the very fabric of relationship for it is all about trust and reliability. By not following through, one becomes untrustworthy in the eyes of the partner. There are many dire consequences for the relationship when this becomes a pattern over time.

One of the ways agreements break down often happens early in the process. For instance when one person does not know or fully understand what they are agreeing to. Sometimes a "yes" is given just to placate, or to not have to think about the logistics involved, or to prevent potential conflict. The other person can also be equally complicit in this lack of clarity perhaps by accepting a half-hearted "yes" or not clearly expressing their expectations or even by setting up the partner for already anticipated failure.

Spend whatever the upfront time it takes to get clear. Assess accurately the time required and your motivation to fulfill this request. Be willing to say "no" if you are not able to commit to the follow through. If you agree, make sure that the timeframe for completion is part of the understanding. Once agreed upon, consider this sacred between you.

If you find that you need to change this agreement, then you must bring it up accordingly. Remember, you are changing a sacred agreement that now needs to be thoroughly readdressed. If you break the agreement, then take full responsibility for your lack of follow through. This is your partner afterall and the message you gave by not following through is that he/she does not matter to you, is not worthy of your respect, and that you are not interested in working as a team.

Do you still think that it is only about not walking the dog?

What is true compassion?

2011-06-05T12:50:00.001-07:00

Compassion is usually associated with making someone feel better, helping them to stop hurting, empathizing with their feelings in a gentle way. I would argue that this is not true compassion if it comes at the cost of the truth. In fact, people can use this familiar definition as a reason to withhold the truth. "I didn't want to tell him that because he'd had a bad day." "I didn't want to hurt her feelings." "I didn't want to bring it up then because it felt like I was being mean, like I was 'kicking the puppy'."

True compassion always points towards the truth rather than being motivated by not "hurting" someone's feelings.

As a new therapist, now nearly thirty years ago, I was taught to "reframe" and "support" clients in whatever ways they presented and wherever they were in their lives. Much of this early training was, in retrospect, about enabling the client to feel better about their situation rather than directly challenge the ways that they were stuck. More often than not, this conveys the message that the client is a victim of circumstances rather than an active creator of their problems.

Now when I call out a client's behavior as, for example, manipulative, I do so from the most compassionate place. There are strong attachments to how we want to be perceived by the world and how we want to see ourselves in it. This makes it enormously difficult to be open to seeing the aspects of ourselves that we don't want to admit exist. However, it is this very reflection of truth that creates the opportunity for growth. If I am not bringing these discrepancies to light, I am not being committed to their transformative process.

There is no compassion in allowing people to hold to their own distortions or 'protecting' them from reality. The real compassion lies in offering the truth, for the truth is the only place from which real change can occur.

What is a true apology?

2011-04-10T19:08:00.001-07:00

The willingness to genuinely apologize is a key ingredient in any relationship, for we are all fallible, all human, all a work in progress. To recognize the pain one has caused in another - even unintentionally - is at the heart of a thoughtful apology.

But what does it mean to offer a full apology and why can this be so hard to do? First, let's consider what doesn't constitute an apology. A real apology isn't just a generic, "I'm sorry", for this doesn't convey a clear understanding of the particular hurt caused in that situation. And a genuine apology is not motivated out of just wanting to have it be over with. "I said I am sorry already, can't we just move on from this." Being tired of talking about it, wanting your partner to be OK with you again, desiring a change in subject or home climate are not good enough reasons. This kind of placating doesn't lend itself to real resolution and it will feel unsatisfying to your partner.

A true apology demonstates an awareness of the pain that your actions have caused. There is a stated understanding as to why it happened or at least a committment to getting to the bottom of it within yourself. Expanding out of this comes reassurance that you will attempt to prevent it from reoccurring. Being able to offer this to your partner not only can help them feel heard, but also communicates to them that you are serious about taking steps to minimize future negative impact on your relationship.

Why are such apologies hard to give? Because it requires that you own your own part of the argument or conflict. It requires a letting go of being "right" or justifying your actions because of how you yourself might have felt 'wronged'. Inherently it is a vulnerable position and as such is uncomfortable. But all this resistance gets in the way of more meaningful relating. By apologizing, you are taking responsibility for your own actions - independent of your partner's - which contributes to the deepening level of trust in your relationship.

Apologies are important whether for 'small' issues or more complicated, hurtful ones. However, they are only as effective as the receiver experiences them. If the apology doesn't come across to your partner as complete and genuine, then be willing to stay with the ongoing dialogue, learn from your partner and in this respect, learn also about yourself.

Why relationships?

2011-02-24T11:33:00.001-08:00

This week, a client asked point blank, "why be in a relationship at all?"

It's an excellent question given that relationships, at times, bring out the very worst in us. It isn't the storytale 'happily ever after' our culture seems to promise. The reality is that it requires persistent effort - to resolve inevitable differences, to attempt to communicate clearly, to make life decisions with another, to process through one's back baggage.... So why bother?

Because relationships offer the opportunity to heal - ourselves and the world. To grow as a human being, to transform old hurts, to free up one's innate capacity to love fully, to be present in each moment - this is our human destiny. All that bubbles up in relationships becomes the very catalyst for our growth. Even more expansively, if one is truly interested in creating peace in the world, then we have to understand our own inner anger, hurts, aggression and violence. Committment to this exploration, to developing this consciousness, begins in one's own intimate relationship. Our transformative process then contributes to the changes we so desperately need in humanity at large. It all begins at home.

Death and Intimacy

2011-01-15T17:53:00.001-08:00

This past week I had a profoundly intense experience involving the death of a dear friend. Amidst a whole myriad of emotions, I am struck by the similarities between what death and intimate relationships ask of us. In both situations we are called to step forward in the face of terrifying uncertainty. Embedded in both circumstances is the opportunity to move more fully into relationship - or choose to hold back.

How we meet death, our own or someone close to us, illuminates something about how we tend to meet close relationships. How we live our lives informs how we relate to death. Love is about meeting these threshold relationships - whether death or an intimate partner - with our full self, our presence, our honesty, our vulnerability, our entire range of emotions, our authentic response. This requires nothing less than a fierce courageousness that we may not even be aware exists within us until these catalyst moments elicit it.

This week I found that paradoxically, as I mustered up the courage to move towards death, to be open to learning from it, to literally be hands-on, I found that I felt more alive, more affirming of life, less fearful of the inevitability of loss.

The real question becomes, are we moving towards this experience or away from it? Are we opening or closing to what is being offered?

Holiday Obligation vs. Choice

2010-12-16T22:13:00.001-08:00

A client made an apt alteration to Thoreau's infamous quote this week by reflecting on how many people seem to"lead lives of quiet obligation".

Holidays with their traditions, "shoulds", and "suppose tos" can be particularly laden with this form of 'duty'.

Give yourself permission to ask, "What do I really want to do?" "And who do I want to spend it with?" And importantly, "What is the cost of - (fill in the blank) - that visit, that interaction, that have-to?"

Ask yourself, if the holidays were going to be a real reflection of "celebration" as defined by you, what would this look like? How closely does this match up with how you will be actually spending your time? It is your vacation, your holiday afterall.

If there are incongruencies, what is getting in the way of creating the very situation that you want? Guilt? Fear of the repercussions for 'breaking rank' with family members? Relunctance to say 'no' ? Again, what is the cost of not clearly choosing?

This heightened holiday time, often seeped in extended family and expectations, might be enjoyable, stressful or both. The question is, are you making choices or are you just following a well-paved path of obligation.

Relationship as a spiritual practice

2010-11-14T15:14:00.001-08:00

The work of relationship is the work towards being in the present moment. This is in sharp contrast to reactions that we bring from the past that then contaminate the now. When we haven't done the work to clean up past hurts, unresolved arguments, old traumas and wounds from our original families, negative associations with intimacy... then these pains and rages inevitably show up and get triggered by current circumstances. All of this removes us from the present. Instead we find ourselves reacting to the past and attempting to avoid or alter an imagined future.

The renowned Buddhist master, Thich Nhat Hanh, states: "Our true home is in the present moment. To live in the present moment is a miracle."

Working on the very stuff that relationships evoke, can clear away the detritus and allow us to genuinely be in the now. This is where true compassion resides.

Therefore treat your relationship as nothing less than a spiritual practice.

Insight vs. Action

2010-10-30T16:42:00.001-07:00

Insight regarding our behaviors and responses in the world is certainly important, but it is the actions that change our lives. Insight without behavioral change is like expecting music theory to substitute for actually learning to play an instrument. It is the action that creates the music.

Sometimes, insight can become its own form of resistance. It can be a way to write off the responsibility to respond differently in relationship. "See this is just how I am; you can't expect me to change." In fact, often, the behavior has to happen first in order to set in motion a new way of interacting. Deeper understanding can then follow. Insight alone is never enough.

Choose the hard right over the easy wrong

2010-10-10T17:56:00.001-07:00

A dear friend of mine just shared this quote which was born out of a difficult, current life choice she is facing. I share it here for the simple truth that it offers us all. How often do you choose the easy way rather than the hard? Are you aware of the presence of these choices? How often do you find that fear impacts your choice? The fear of conflict, the fear of possible rejection or disapproval, the fear of taking a risk into the unknown, the fear of uncomfortable feelings - do these fears take presidence? Do you tend to take the "easy" way, opting for the path of least resistance even when you know that it isn't the clear, healthy choice? Right action is the action that propels us towards freedom, towards conscious living. Often this choice requires facing fear. The problem is that the "hard right" can, like this phrase, feel dramatically like a 90 degree turn or even a 180. But consider what becomes possible when we challenge ourselves to choose this path over the temporary "fix". We grow rather than stagnate.

Relationally, examples can involve taking the risk to directly state a need or risk conflict by bringing up a difficult issue or share more deeply than is comfortable. Sometimes this can entail ending a relationship or committing more fully to one. Wherever you hit this fork, be conscious of it, for there is always a choice and the choice between the hard right and the easy wrong is yours.

Conflict is inevitable, it's what we do with it that gives it the power to transform or destroy

2010-07-23T12:40:00.001-07:00

Relationships inevitably experience conflict. Two people bring inherent differences which can make bridging the space between challenging. Conflict can become a deal breaker for relationships. But conflict, when addressed openly, directly, responsibly can create a new depth of understanding, a new emphathy for seeing the world through other eyes. It can be a catalyst for discovering a new layer of intimacy. In other words, it is not the conflict itself that is the problem, it is how we respond to it.

What is your association with conflict? Do you see it as a bad thing, an event to be avoided at all costs? Do you use it as an outlet when stress and tension have peaked? Does it operate to create distance with your partner? Is it the result of silencing your own voice over time?

It can help to review how conflict was expressed in your original family. How much tolerance was there for everyone having and expressing their feelings? Did disagreements get swept under the carpet or did they escalate into violence? Like it or not, how we were exposed to conflict and what we learned as a result is what we bring to our adult relationships. It takes intention, self'-observation and interruption of old patterns to establish a new way of working with and through conflict. This becomes the difference between an ongoing erosion of a relationship or the strengthening of the banks.

What is an authentic response?

2010-06-09T21:15:00.001-07:00

We are all caught up in the web of the past unless we do the hard work of untangling ourselves. It requires a high level of developing consciousness to clear away past conditioning, old patterns of responding, and the inaccurate stories that we have used to make sense of the world then. Without a great deal of examination, we bring forward these past reflexive reactions into our current relationships with others. This becomes especially the case in our most initimate relationships.

To not have our responses dictated by the past is to be free to respond creatively in the present moment. This is the truly authentic response.

Relationships as our spiritual practice

2010-05-24T10:25:00.001-07:00

This is a Buddhist story that a friend shared with me this past week.

There was a man who came to a temple in search of enlightenment. He wanted to work with a teacher who could help him along this sacred path. He was told that the teacher would become available to him, but first he needed to meditate. After a few weeks, he asked if he could now see the teacher. He was told that he needed to continue with his meditation practice and the teacher would become available. Two more weeks passed and with mounting exasperation, he again requested to meet with a teacher. They then walked him to the gates of the temple and said, "here are your teachers".

Before the entrance stood his wife and children.

Relationships provide us with the opportunity to heal. They are the very catalyst for transformation. The work of integrating this truth is indeed a spiritual practice.

Wherein lies the resistance to giving?

2010-05-17T09:04:00.001-07:00

First, what does it mean to truly give.

We usually think of giving in the sense of gifts and positive regard, but it is much deeper than this. Giving is about offering one's most transparent self to another. It is about being fully present in the sharing of oneself while simitaneously empathizing with the needs, feelings, experiences of another. It is a committment to this intention in every moment of the relationship.

This means that giving in a real relationship might also take the form of saying "No". It could be the honesty you bring forth by telling your partner that you are not able to give at this time. In another sense, it can even mean the willingness to end a relationship.

Unconditional giving also requires non-attachment to a particular outcome. For instance, if we expect our partners to respond to us in a certain way or if we need to be heard or appreciated in a particular moment, then it isn't really a gift.

So what is the resistance to giving? In other words, where and why do we withhold love? Is it that you have been hurt over and over again and want to protect yourself from further exposure? Is it that so much resentment has accumulated that you are more interested in punishing than giving? By the way, these are the same states. Can you see that nothing justifies the withholding of love and no healing can ever occur without vulnerability. Ask yourself, wherein lies the resistance to giving?

How discomfort can turn into destruction.

2010-05-10T21:35:00.001-07:00

What do YOU do with uncomfortable emotions?

Usually fear, anxiety, anger, shame top the list of what’s “uncomfortable”, hence what’s considered “unacceptable”. The problem is if we aren’t willing to recognize and ‘own’ these feelings, whatever they are, wherever they come from, then they will become destructive. This most often takes the form of self-blame or other-blame.

In other words, negatively judging one's self at the core or blaming another (often a significant other) are the usual means to avoid or distract from difficult emotions.

The visual metaphor of the week is from a client who demonstrated this dynamic - and its solution. The two sides of a slippery slope he represented by using two hands pointing upward at peaked fingers like a mountain. The backs of the hands are finding fault in one’s self or finding blame in someone else.

Do you tend to slip down one side of this blame mountain more than the other? A deeper understanding and healing can only occur if you are able to sit on the very precipice with your feelings.

With fingers pointed, this is a precariously tippy place, easy to fall off in either direction, whereas if the apex is leveled out – resolved visually by bending the first set of finger joints – then there is a place stop and be present with these uncomfortable feelings rather than act them out destructively.

The work of relationship requires us to carefully observe in just this way. For to act out blame either through blanket self-blame or accusatory other-blame, is to NOT be in relationship. Neither of these positions is the truth, neither stance is about real accountability.

Avoidance of reality is never about love.

The first step towards peace is to observe one's own role in the war.

2010-05-04T17:15:00.000-07:00

Point not to what your partner does to “cause” the relational conflict, rather ask, “What is it that I am responsible for?” “How do my motives, actions or lack of action perpetuate the disconnect with my partner?” After all, it only takes one person to respond in a different, non-habitual way for the dynamic to change, for the interaction to be altered. Relationships are always a 50/50 proposition. You are only in control of your 50%, but you are 100% responsible for this.

Uncovering real love begins with an exploration of hate.

2010-04-26T15:28:00.000-07:00

In other words, we must be willing to look at the ways in which we cause our partners pain. No one wants to see how they are aggressive towards their loved one, even at the expense of knowing real love. I strongly resisted the truth about my manipulative behavior, but I absolutely wanted to have it my way, wanted to control outcomes. I wasn’t interested in being in partnership when it came to making decisions; I secretly (or not so) thought I was superior to him; I was just fine with getting my needs met elsewhere. I wasn’t willing to prioritize the relationship over and above what I wanted. All these and many more were the ways that I was acting violently in the marriage. I use ‘violent’, because it is the opposite of loving actions, because the consequence is pain, because anything less than this truth serves to justify, rationalize, and minimize the impact on another human being.

Being open to seeing the ways we express hatred towards our partners makes all the difference in discovering love.

From the beginning...

2010-04-19T19:01:00.000-07:00

We heal in relationship. My life and work have been and continue to be transformed by this very truth. Hence, “2 to Heal”.

Attempting to describe what it means to be fully “in relationship” and what the journey towards “healing” requires of us is the goal of this site.

I have been a psychotherapist for twenty five years, but it wasn’t until I addressed the culminating crisis in my own marriage fifteen years ago, that I began to learn what it really means to be in relationship. The process by which my husband and I worked to transform our own relationship (with the aid of the sage therapist, Gary Sall) now informs who I am as a therapist, how I work with couples, and, very importantly, how I live my life. For you see, nothing less than complete integration will ever be enough. But I get ahead of myself.