Relationships as our spiritual practice

This is a Buddhist story that a friend shared with me this past week. 

 

There was a man who came to a temple in search of enlightenment.  He wanted to work with a teacher who could help him along this sacred path.  He was told that the teacher would become available to him, but first he needed to meditate.  After a few weeks, he asked if he could now see the teacher.   He was told that he needed to continue with his meditation practice and the teacher would become available.  Two more weeks passed and with mounting exasperation, he again requested to meet with a teacher.  They then walked him to the gates of the temple and said, "here are your teachers".  

 

Before the entrance stood his wife and children. 

 

Relationships provide us with the opportunity to heal.  They are the very catalyst for transformation. The work of integrating this truth is indeed a spiritual practice.

Wherein lies the resistance to giving?

First, what does it mean to truly give.

 

We usually think of giving in the sense of gifts and positive regard, but it is much deeper than this.  Giving is about offering one's most transparent self to another.  It is about being fully present in the sharing of oneself while simitaneously empathizing with the needs, feelings, experiences of another.  It is a committment to this intention in every moment of the relationship.

 

This means that giving in a real relationship might also take the form of saying "No".  It could be the honesty you bring forth by telling your partner that you are not able to give at this time.  In another sense, it can even mean the willingness to end a relationship. 

 

Unconditional giving also requires non-attachment to a particular outcome.  For instance, if we expect our partners to respond to us in a certain way or if we need to be heard or appreciated in a particular moment, then it isn't really a gift. 

 

So what is the resistance to giving?  In other words, where and why do we withhold love?  Is it that you have been hurt over and over again and want to protect yourself from further exposure?  Is it that so much resentment has accumulated that you are more interested in punishing than giving?  By the way, these are the same states.  Can you see that nothing justifies the withholding of love and no healing can ever occur without vulnerability.  Ask yourself, wherein lies the resistance to giving?

How discomfort can turn into destruction.

What do YOU do with uncomfortable emotions?

Usually fear, anxiety, anger, shame top the list of what’s “uncomfortable”, hence what’s considered “unacceptable”. The problem is if we aren’t willing to recognize and ‘own’ these feelings, whatever they are, wherever they come from, then they will become destructive. This most often takes the form of self-blame or other-blame.

In other words, negatively judging one's self at the core or blaming another (often a significant other) are the usual means to avoid or distract from difficult emotions.

The visual metaphor of the week is from a client who demonstrated this dynamic - and its solution. The two sides of a slippery slope he represented by using two hands pointing upward at peaked fingers like a mountain. The backs of the hands are finding fault in one’s self or finding blame in someone else.

Do you tend to slip down one side of this blame mountain more than the other? A deeper understanding and healing can only occur if you are able to sit on the very precipice with your feelings.

With fingers pointed, this is a precariously tippy place, easy to fall off in either direction, whereas if the apex is leveled out – resolved visually by bending the first set of finger joints – then there is a place stop and be present with these uncomfortable feelings rather than act them out destructively.

The work of relationship requires us to carefully observe in just this way. For to act out blame either through blanket self-blame or accusatory other-blame, is to NOT be in relationship. Neither of these positions is the truth, neither stance is about real accountability.

Avoidance of reality is never about love.

The first step towards peace is to observe one's own role in the war.

Point not to what your partner does to “cause” the relational conflict, rather ask, “What is it that I am responsible for?” “How do my motives, actions or lack of action perpetuate the disconnect with my partner?” After all, it only takes one person to respond in a different, non-habitual way for the dynamic to change, for the interaction to be altered. Relationships are always a 50/50 proposition. You are only in control of your 50%, but you are 100% responsible for this.